happy bittersweet birthday, dear Owen

Not that physically being somewhere other than home really helps you outrun the grief. Yet, here we are, in San Diego. Grief isn't like some velcro patch that you can rip off & replace with some other *happier* patch. It's more like the new skin that grows over a deep wound. It looks okay from the surface, but if you touch it even lightly - boy does it hurt just like the original wound.

Yesterday Hubby, BigBro and I were at Legoland having fun from open until closing time. Today, we were at SeaWorld. Yet, only little fun was to be had. Hubby & I are really trying *so* hard to make the best of it. For BigBro's sake, it just wouldn't be fair for us to wallow. After all, everyone around us has gone on living their lives. Which, I guess, is why we are still here. To figure out how to best live our lives. Whatever that is supposed to mean. BigBro was a whiny grouch almost the entire day. Until we came home, then everything was okay. Really, so many times that I am getting on with life, or more appropriately living after a deep loss -- I feel like I'm pretending. I do a few things that I want to do and (of course) not what I most want to do -- so, I pretend. Even if it's not something you really want to do, you are supposed to do it anyway and plaster a big smile on your face (or laugh and pretend like you're having fun). That's what Dr. Laura says to do. Then (alledgedly, this still hasn't been working out for me), you one day realize that you are living life with fun and happiness again. I'm still waiting for that day. Like when I was pregnant with Owen last year, when we blissfully didn't know that anything was wrong... I remember looking carefully at the edges, outlines and depth of the trees, colors, grasses, leaves and flowers and thinking, "Life just doesn't get any better than this!". Oh, does that seem like a world away.

Oh, Owen. If only you were still here, my sweet babe. I will never forget the joy I felt when I first saw you in the hospital operating room. My heart nearly lept from my chest. I had so longed to see you and touch your soft skin. I had forgotten how impossibly soft a baby's skin can be. Would you look like mommy, daddy or your big brother? Oh, just like BigBro! And, words just don't convey the great joy at seeing you the day of your funeral. Only a few days had passed since your birth and passing -- I thought I had completely memorized your face, fingers, feet, shoulder, etc. and our time was so brief, that the edges of my memories were already starting to get fuzzy. I had that one last time to memorize your perfect little everything, before you were carefully placed in a casket. I miss you so and selfishly wish I had never heard the words Trisomy 18. Or, that you were at least still with me. No sleep, constant crying, round-the-clock feeding/diapering -- if this was the state that I was to live in for the rest of my life, I would gladly live it, with you.

where is she?

so you might have wondered... Starting in the middle of June, I was just going through the motions of life - responsibilities and such. For no apparent reason (nothing happening in my life right now), I felt anxious for about a month and a half. The anxious was to a lesser extent what I felt last year during the same time (the not knowing what might happen). I knew the anxious was just a reflection of last year, but it sunk it's teeth in deep and held on for far too long. Then, that would put you at early August... Well, some have called other concerned citizens like me showing up at tea parties, city and town hall meetings: angry mobs, brown-shirts, etc. In my free time, I've been going to these types of events here locally. I'm going to start writing again, though I'm not sure how much I'll post of my political activities.

finished the dining room

My lamps arrived and the curtains were installed...
Aren't the shades interesting?

finished the entry way

I've had most of these pieces of furniture for almost two years, but had been waiting to find just the right things to put up on the walls...

I reframed two early 1900's etchings (an inexpensive ebay find)
-- and then, Donna found this... (to go over my settee)
What is it, you ask? Well it came to me with the back side of it showing (when it was framed previously) -- which, by the way, looks like this:
And -- it badly needed new plexiglass. It is a page from a very old hymnal (ye olde page is written with a quill on an animal skin). It is written in latin and originally sat in front of the church choir and someone used a page-turner to turn the pages for the choir. We did some digging and it's a 17th century antiphonal and the latin reads:
The first three italicized words are assumed to be on the page just prior to this one. I also had it translated and it says:


Since my tribulation is at hand and there is none to help me
But you Lord do not keep your help far away from me,
look to my defence. I have been troubled in you since I was in the womb, in the very womb...


The first two lines are most probably from Psalms (which is my favorite part of the bible) 22 and I don't really know where the third line was going (or if it came from the bible), since I only have the one page.

So personal

(Gives me goose bumps, really) and -- I purchased it before I knew what exactly it was or what it said.

David

To be sent tomorrow :-)
Hope you enjoy it!

Just call it what it is...

lack of motivation? I haven't been emailing, blogging or hardly anything but our routine stuff. I wouldn't say it's overall sadness like before, but still -- this wanting of some 'alone time'. Anyway, I had started several blog entries only to scrap them because they were just not exciting (in my mind, I was saying that it was just too lame to put on a blog). Plus I am working on a couple other things that aren't done - so I can't post pictures! Today I was thinking about it and I can't say that I've ever posted much about our routine. So, here you go:

BigBro wakes up early. I am not a morning person, so by 'early' I mean between 5:30 and 6:30. He comes downstairs, climbs into our bed and is so very excited about the day. Any day. Every day. Usually a few "I'm hungry"s followed by "Come on, let's go. I really want to go." and mommy is out of bed. After bathing or changing into daytime clothes we drive to one of the main nearby shopping areas.
This is because although we are within walking distance (less than 2 miles) - it's just not conducive to walking. Busy streets, no sidewalks and many with no bike lanes - or very narrow bike lanes. It doesn't help that the bike lanes are only on the busiest of streets (which means you suck in exhaust fumes the whole time - which is not my idea of a 'nice' walk).

Anyway, we drive, park, then walk Stanley. Even though Stanley will be 11 yrs old in August, he still needs daily exercise. I feel like the mailman, "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow & ice will keep me from picking up dog poop". Okay, well the mailman delivers mail, he doesn't pick up poop - but you get the idea anyway. So, I combine my morning coffee with this excursion and let's just say that the ladies at Peet's Coffee and St. Honore Bakery know BigBro really well.
In fact, even though we already have more toy cars than we need, the ladies seem to find one in a cereal box or from their own grown son's retired collection and so BigBro's collection just seems to keep growing. On our walk, we go through a small park at one end of the big lake, then down a path next to the lake. About once or twice a week we bring cracked corn to feed the ducks.
Since it's spring, we've been seeing lots of ducklings and gosslings. In fact, Mother's Day was the first day that we had seen a pair of Canadian Geese with a clutch of six gosslings. And just this last weekend, one momma duck had 11 newly hatched ducklings.

sofa

Finally ordered the sofa for the living room... It took me so long because the original piece from Baker is unbelievably expensive. I discovered that I could have it custom made for much, much less. I have to admit, it's a leap of faith to have a sofa made from scratch. So, it'll be only 6-8 weeks before the perfect couch is here. I made a couple changes to the design. It's being upholstered in Beacon Hill's Plush Mohair fabric (color: Shale), which is similar in color to the original Baker photo. Here's a picture of the Baker original.
I can't wait to show you the finished sofa!